when i look in the mirror.

 

The other night I was looking at pictures and videos from a year ago. I was in Provo at “peace on earth” coffee shop, watching this random dude publicly break up with his girlfriend at like, 11 o’clock at night. (Provo man behavior!! Not at peace on earth) It was WAY awkward, hahaha. The girl was crying so loud while me and the baristas kept on making eye contact with the widest “DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?” looks in our worried eyes. I wrote a song about them that night because the experience was so formative to my twenty year old self hahaha.

It’s kind of silly how that girl that I used to be was such a different person with completely different circumstances. Now I’m living out of state like I always dreamed, and brought with me the car I took down to Provo that night. I drink coffee now- where a year ago I would only tolerate sweetened hot chocolate (with soy milk of course) with extra whipped cream. I worked at a dental office with my work bestie Madi, and now I’m making major career moves that I’m really passionate about. I was living with an old friend a year ago, and now I am living with 3 of my best friends! It’s literally insane looking back how fast things change!! I do miss the old me sometimes though. She was such an innocent, ever-lovely dork, but my love and respect for her grows more as time goes on. Even if I was nitpicky with myself at the time. Funny how that works hahaha.

Then I got to overthinking, just like I’m good at. I decided that the way I see it, time is kind of like two mirrors facing each other with you standing in the middle. There’s an endless amount of reflections of yourself in either direction, one side being your past and another being your future. Overwhelming to think about, but it goes on forever! If you’re looking into those mirrors, you’d know you couldn’t logistically look into your future. It’s just not possible, and not very many people own a crystal ball cool enough to do that tragically. But just gazing at the variety of versions of yourself, you’d just KNOW that there is so much opportunity ahead on the side that represents your future, because of how many different versions of yourself have faded into the past. It would be totally trippy, inspiring and cool at the same time. The whole feeling is reminiscent of looking back at my daily snap memories. It all comes flooding back I swear. All the outdated eras, past friends, forgotten boys, old inside jokes, midnight therapy drives, different houses, different cars… It's super cool that we have access to our life experiences so seamlessly, even if it can be a little triggering to see pictures of you and your ex pop up out of the blue hahaha. We truly are the ‘middle of the mirror generation’, living in the past, present and future all at once. 

So when I was thinking about the idea of looking into these mirrors with so many different versions of myself for what feels like miles and miles- it seemed like a great thing to write about, and a great way to view the passage of time. It also reminded me of avatar the last airbender. (don’t tell anyone else that though, there’s a reason I brought that up a few paragraphs late and it's because I can be a nerd sometimes teehee)  

The other day my friends and I decided to go to the beach since we had some people in town. We spent a fair amount of time running around like little kids while the sunset shimmered on the water... with sand getting in our bags and shoes and wind in our hair. I felt so content in those moments, and so proud of myself for coming as far as I have. As far as we all have. Just a few kids from Salt Lake City that moved hundreds of miles away from home at the beach. Which used to be the biggest rarity being so far inland. I finally felt that moment where life taps ya on the shoulder and says “you already made it here kid, and it paid off”.

We swam and laughed with the waves hitting our faces when it hit me: 

This is a version of myself that so many people won’t get to meet. 

Maybe that sounds cocky. Maybe that sounds sweet. Maybe it sounds nostalgic. And honestly, with this blog people are going to interpret things the way that they want to. It’s just a part of posting media and I get that. Now that you’ve placed your bets, how do I feel, you ask? 

 

 

I felt FREE!

It felt like every moment up to this point was worth it just for this season of life. All the tears, the 60 hour work weeks, the heartache, the car problems, the friends lost, the leases broken, the bottles downed, the missed connections… they’d all led here to this little beach town we went to that day. And that living away from everything I’ve known, that this version of me wasn’t something people are authorized to feel entitled to anymore. It was in that moment that I realized that knowing me, loving me and supporting me completely authentically is a privilege now. And that my friends, was a game changer.

So here I am posting on my public blog. So much for privacy and people not knowing me, right? Yeah yeah yeah. But I feel like I’m at this point in my life that I can and have the opportunity to separate the really private things from what I choose to share online because at the end of the day, whether it’s instagram, twitter, snap or blogger, it’s art. This blog is for the poems I’ve always wanted to share, the stories I’ve been wanting to tell for ages now, and the little inklings of wanderlust or philosophy that cross my mind first and then eventually end up on a piece of paper. Or a laptop screen. And the best part is, it’s my own blog! I get to call the shots.

And I love it. 

So next time you stand between two mirrors, cherish it. You never know what future version of yourself is looking back at you from a few months or years down the road. Look at yourself from every angle, you’ll never be younger than you are right now ever again. 

And if you are going through big changes or want to make big changes, never forget your power and your peace. You are not entitled to granting people your company and your love, that’s a gift (,:  

And, to end on, as my biggest icon/songwriting legend/parasocial big sister Taylor Swift said on her new album ‘Midnights’ in the song “You’re on Your Own Kid”: 

“ 'Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned, Everything you lose is a step you take

So, make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it, You've got no reason to be afraid

You’re on your own kid, and you always have been”

(Of course I found some way to reference new Taylor Swift lyrics. Who would I be if I didn’t??)

Well that folks, is just a shard of how I view this little sector of my life. If ya stick around, maybe you’ll become more acquainted with my perspective (,: and if this is your first time here, welcome!! 

I’ll be posting again pretty soon. Maybe every Tuesday, but saying that and actually doing it seems like a big commitment at the moment so no promises. But 100% soon we’ll be back here in this very same spot, ready for me to write my happy little ass off and talk your ears off. Hopefully y’all don’t have gray hairs, kids and mortgages by then. 

Xoxo!!! 

                Kara