you were only seventeen

I still remember the day I found out like it was yesterday.


I was seventeen, in new york city, on choir tour.



We were at dinner, and the restaurant was super cool! The whole concept of it was dope.



The waiter came and took our orders, and we all exchanged random stories while we waited.

I was rarely on my phone when we were out and about, aside from taking some fun and fresh pictures.



So while we were sitting at the table, I got my phone out to see what was happening back home.

I swiped through my Instagram feed, and instantly saw multiple posts on Instagram about two teens from Hillcrest that had died in a car accident.

Apparently they were Juniors, which was my grade.



I needed to know who they were. I scanned the captions for names, and then in that moment, my life changed forever.



It was Carson Koch and Brayden Eaton.



I WAS SO HEARTBROKEN.

They were some of my best friends Freshman and Sophomore year. Brayden and Carson were such a big part of my life for the longest time.

Bray and I used to play barbies when we were in Kindergarten!

We always went to each other's birthday parties.

Countless girls camps.

Sledding.

Hot tubbing at her grandmas house.

Movies.

Walks around the block.

We were in school together for 11 years.

I still remember seeing her riding her moped down the sidewalk on Sterling Drive with her hair blowing in the wind.



It made me sad that I'd never see her smile again ):




There’s a sense of stability in leaving home as a high schooler- you know that when you get back that all of your friends will be there and ready to go out, your bed will be waiting for you to occupy it, and that your family will stay safe. It’s the way that things had always been and I assumed that it would always be that way.

But upon hearing this news, the only thing that came into my mind was the loss. Not only had I lost my childhood early, my view on family and marriage was so tainted with trauma, I had to become an adult when I was barely a teen, I had lost two Father figures that were supposed to be there, and now I had lost 2 of my previously best friends.


I was so far from home and so devestated that I lost 2 friends that I hadn’t talked to in ages.

I didn't think that the last time I said goodbye was truly our last goodbye...



I was only seventeen and one of my childhood friends was dead. I was too young for this- they were too young for this! I felt immense pain and I felt that as much as I tried to act like a teenager, the baggage I carried would always catch up to me- and even multiply with life and it’s twists.

Carson and I were super close Freshman year… I think we met in Seminary? We always made plans to hang out but they always fell through. We always would joke around about how I would come to visit him at work one day during the summer- the Snack Shack at Alta Canyon Sports Center. I never made it when he was working. I think I started to like him at the end of Freshman year… and then Brayden and him got together, which ultimately was the best thing for them at that time.

I was too shocked to cry- but I found my friend Kayla bawling in a souvenir shop on the way to a Broadway performance. She was in the back corner right next to the towering shelf of personalized keychains. I was shook up but I ran up to her and gave her a hug and asked her how she was doing. She cried into my shoulder and said that she was heartbroken. I held her for a few minutes and she told me that she and a few others got lost on the way to the theatre for our next show.

We were about to be late, but I didn’t care because she needed me. Kayla, Brayden and I were super close when we were kids- Kayla was closer to her and was always there for her through everything. Bray and I hadn’t talked in the longest time- I always wondered how she was doing. She was in my math class that I didn’t make it to for a majority of the school year. I felt so guilty for not striking up more of a conversation while she was still alive.

That day it became apparent to me to never end on bad or neutral terms with people you used to be close with- you never know when your friend is going to be gone. And I wasn’t on bad terms with Brayden or Carson- I just lost touch which is natural. But I would give anything to say goodbye.



I still remember getting home from choir tour that night and having the weirdest array of feelings- I felt on top of the world but I also felt like my whole perception of that world had just shattered.

I remember my mom stayed up to greet me when I got home and I recounted most of the trip to her (some things had to be tucked away for another time or else I think she might've had a heart attack hahaha) but when I got to the last day I broke down crying. She knew Brayden, she'd seen her around the neighborhood since we were kids.

I sobbed into her chest for the longest time that night.


A few weeks later, I went to Carson and Brayden’s vigil. It was really cool to see the community come together, but I couldn’t help but think that none of these people really knew them.

There were drill girls there that were self absorbed. The SBO’s came, but they didn’t know them either. At least they didn't know Bray.

There were rumors going around that it was a double suicide, and that made me furious.

There was no fucking way.

Brayden wouldn't have done that after she started a gofundme to spread her mom's ashes.

She wouldn't have done it to her sister or her grandma.

She wouldn't have done that to Carson either.

I digress though.

None of those people saw Brayden as a wide eyed child who would always play with me during freetime. Or helped her get ready for her first dance- when Kayla and I accidentally cooked eggs into her hair for the sake of a Pinterest hair mask.

None of them had conversations on the bus Freshman year about how hard High School was and how we couldn’t wait to graduate. Nobody saw the terror she was filled with when her home life was really scary and uncertain.

The girl who made a gofundme to spread her mother’s ashes where she had always wanted them scattered. The public saw a certain side of her, the one that she showed the outsiders. In reality she was just like all of us- scared of life and its challenges, but strong.

Lovely inside and out, and sad because of how withered life had made her out to be.



As I looked around, I saw so many tear stricken faces.







Maybe these people didn’t need to know the whole story. They didn’t need to know her troubled past and her childhood to love her, and to love Carson. Regardless of our relationships toward them, it was still heartbreaking.




We let the balloons go into the sky to represent any last words we wanted to share with them.


After that, the crowd was silent.


Her sister said a few words, and then there were some smiles. I left early, needing to get some air. Which is quite ironic, because we were outside at a park.

I don’t think I cried until days later.




When Taylor Swift sang “I've found time can heal most anything and you just might find who you're supposed to be.”, she touched my eleven year old soul. It’s something I have taken with me throughout my life, and it’s so true.

As much as you listen to sad music or go to therapy, you’re not going to heal overnight. Good things take time, so it makes sense that it takes time to heal from sadness and loss. It’s almost a blessing in disguise- if we healed so fast, we would have less empathy.

Because of the hurt and because of the damage, we are able to connect with others that are hurting and truly mourn with those that mourn, and it’s tragically beautiful.




It's been four years now. Doesn't make everything any easier, but time does heal a bit. Back when I lived in Utah I would visit Brayden's grave every month, or at least I tried to. Even though she's gone, I feel like we are still pretty close. Well, at least I hope so. I've talked to her about so many things and babbled on alone by her grave a fair amount over the last few years that I would be quite offended if she tuned out and ignored me hahaha. Loss never gets easier, but accepting it does. And the fact that I have a friend or two beyond this life is kind of cool when you think about it. So this ones for Bray and Carson, you'll forever have a blog post dedicated to you. Love you lots, can't wait to visit you when I'm in town for the holidays - kar