lone stars & nostalgia

as my time in texas comes to a close, i can't help but have a pang in my gut while i reminisce. it's so hard leaving somewhere you called home for so long. it would have been so much easier if i was able to do it impulsively in a whim just like moving here.when i first moved to texas, it was one of the most sudden changes i have ever experienced. not just because it was a new state, but simply because it was sobering. 

 i had just come off of my huge post-mormon party era, and it felt like i had had one crazy drunk night in utah and had somehow woken up with a hangover in houston. thankfully i had moved with a couple of friends, but it still didn't outweigh what i had left behind.

the farm roads were never ending.

i lived in the middle of nowhere, and in salt lake i had been in the city. 

i only had a taco truck, dollar general, zipps liquor store, and gas station within the vicinity of 5 miles of me. my job was 30 minutes away and i felt stripped to the bone... i was also always in the car.

my first thought was, i chose this! this is what i wanted! i knew this was coming, and i'm going to grow from it! 

and to my credit, i did! 

 

i pride myself in being pretty adaptable overall, and i knew what i had to do. so i did it. i really tried to build a new life here. i started a new career, in a new house, with a new perspective and new goals. i started in the ABA industry administering therapy to autistic kiddos. it wasn't easy, and for a minute i got caught up in the formalities and got a little scared. but once i passed my cert exam, i wasn't as stressed. but every day i gave everything to those kids- from 9-5 and i would go home absolutely exhausted. it taxed me physically (i still have scars to this day), emotionally and mentally. and, a lot of the people in that industry were toxic. the companies, coworkers, managers, you name it. but it was all i had, and i was going to make it work. i didn't want to get back into the service industry, being so fresh somewhere new i was very set on having a set and stable income. i was scared of the inconsistency that comes with the industry. so i stuck with it. through all the loneliness and homesickness i stayed in houston and in a career that had pto and insurance because that's what i thought i was "supposed to do". 

 i tricked myself into being happy for a long time, but after a while i started seeing cracks in the foundation. and you know, i gotta give it to myself. it takes damn long time for me to reach a breaking point. i always assumed things would get better. i loved my old job a lot, but the companies i worked for? not so much. 
i knew that i had to leave. 

i deduced that i deserve better and i found a new job serving. i found new friends. kept in touch with old ones. i made peace with the things i couldn't change and decided to enjoy everything i could control to the fullest extent while i was here still. ...anddddd i planned to move home after my lease was up. 

 

and i have been making the best of it!! and i still am. 

 

if there's any higher power up there, when i quit my last job unexpectedly and picked up a serving job the same day, i subjected myself to being putty in their hands. i had no idea if getting back in the industry would pan out. i hadn't served full time since i was back in utah. did i still have it? would i survive? was i pretty enough? was i still youthful and energetic enough to do this 6 days a week? i was terrified but i put on a brave face. 

the change in industry's ended up reviving me. not that food service ISN'T exhausting, because it is. but i didn't realize how much my old job was affecting my mental health and my perception of myself until it was fully a done deal. sometimes you can't see the imperfections in a portrait until it's finished, dried, and a project of the past. and tragically, i still miss my kiddos months later. i miss the halls i used to walk down. i miss the coffee. but most of all, i miss my old coworkers. but time changes all things, and it changed me too.

and you know what happened? 

magic. pure magic. 

i've recently concluded that every wrong turn and mishap i'd had in texas had all led to this era i'm currently in. the finale era. every heartbreak, every time i felt dissatifsfied, every time my world felt like it was ending. every hurdle led me to where i'm at in life right this second. to the place i used to attend as a customer! and one of the first restaurants i went to when i moved to texas! what are the odds. there must be an invisible string there. 

once i got settled in and got to know everybody, it almost made me sad that i had had this right under my nose for so long. but timing is everything. maybe i needed it in this specific era of my life. 

this job has breathed air back into my lungs. not because of the work, because of the people. there's always ups and downs and short comings, but overall it seems like i finally found a family. there's something different in the air here. and yes, i've found plenty of family in other areas here in texas- don't get me wrong. but it's never felt this collective. it just feels different. 

so here i am. 90 days left in the lone star state. there have been plenty of days where it has felt lonely, but stars shine and fade along with the hard days. there have been times that it's been difficult to see the light ahead, but, when i have seen it, it's palpable and impossible to ignore. a beacon to better days. and i truly do think there's an abundance of light ahead. my life has never really made sense and it's always been unpredictable. so who knows what'll actually happen next. all i know is that i'm getting older. and hopefully wiser. and with time comes growth. life never settles amicably, and some change comes to pass fiercely. or with waves of more change. but we adapt. we overcome. it's in our nature. we cheer ourselves on even in the darkest moments. 

sometimes you really do have to be your own lone star shining in the darkness. 

and you know what they say, everything is bigger in texas. the emotions, the let downs AND the love.

love you!! i missed our talks!!

<3/ kar